On quitting

I’ve been thinking a lot about quitting lately. Quitting school because I’m tired and worried that it doesn’t mean anything. Quitting kettle because my snatch is fucking awful. Quitting the Bay Area because it’s so expensive.

I’ve been thinking about what my therapist said about why I quit things, about being a perfectionist and how I quit (high) school because I was bored and miserable and how I quit writing because I didn’t immediately get noticed by the whole globe. How I put everything else in front of me because I don’t think I’m worth much either. I thought some about the person I am and the reason I started to do kettle again four months ago after a two year flirtation that could have just gone on being a flirtation and no one would have said boo to me about anything.

I started doing this because I wanted the challenge, I needed the challenge to stay focused and on board with fitness. In my head it was a physical challenge. Learn to lift the bell over my head. Find a place where my brain STFUs for a mo’ and I get my sweat on. Do something that I have the potential to be decent at (cause my friend and coach told me so, not cause I actually believe that). I liked that. Even more than that I like the camaraderie that I saw between team members at my gym. I wanted to be part of that, to let myself feel something that I am mostly afraid to feel (which is um, feelings in general, you know).

And although there is a lot of head shit wrapped up in the above, like a fool I never really thought about it that way. Not until this week, not really. I talked myself through it, I read what other folks had to say about competition and failure, and I remembered what I’d heard my team members and various coaches say about doing what we do.

And now it’s Friday and my coach and team are off to Chicago to compete in the World Kettlebell Club Championships. And her coach wrote this and it’s all true. And of course, because I’m a total quitter in my head, what he wrote about quitting really spoke to me. The ways that Juliet has pushed herself past her own fear and limitations continually speaks to me.

I’ll keep going. I’ll snatch even if I’m not great at it. I’ll finish school, and maybe I’ll keep writing and I’ll try to do things for me and only me. Not ready to give in to my own bullshit quite yet, not today.